When "How can I help?" starts to sound fake

I will preface this with a "disclaimer" if you will - this post and much of my blogs are writing about my situation, my individual thoughts on what I may be experiencing at the moment or when I feel like writing. I will then develop it into some sort of coherent thought pattern that becomes the blog. I am not an authority figure or trained professional on anything I write about. I write about it with the understanding that I can't possibly be alone in this experience or this particular emotion. I write to help people and to give and probably gain some perspective.

So here we go - 

I'm a doer, a helper, a figure-it-outer. I'm someone who will ask once and if it doesn't get done, I'll just do it myself. I'm someone who others have came to for advice, a listener, someone that can help them unpack issues. I am also highly-sensitive, an introvert, and an empath. I'm only now really becoming to know what all of that means and how it can work for me.

So let's unpack this:

An empath is a person who is highly aware of the emotions of those around them - sometimes to the extreme of feeling feeling those feelings themselves. Having a keen awareness of other individuals "pain points" and the emotions connected to them. While I don't necessarily "absorb" the emotion and feel them exactly as the person I'm interacting with is - it totally affects me.

Example - frustration or anger, if someone else is frustrated/angry/annoyed - I get tight feeling, heart racing, and get almost equally flustered. It takes me a while to "come down" from that.

Sometimes as an empath I understand what someone one else is feeling more over my own feelings. We care so deeply and so effortlessly that getting in to our own feelings space, feels like going in to a dark room, blindfolded and trying to feel around for the door.

Being highly-sensitive creates another layer, since overstimulation affects me fairly well. I notice sounds, hums, cracking, or other noises that others may not. I get distracted and try to track down the sound until I figure it out. Chaotic or loud environments, crowded places are hard to be in. I also am a people pleaser and struggle with confrontation - if I feel that a conversation remotely starts turning in to an argument I will shrink and try to defuse. That's not to say I'm not spirited in opinions or have my moments of losing my cool but it affects me longer.

Being an introvert makes general interacting semi difficult. The energy it takes to be in a social environment is a lot - so we need to be selective in where we put that energy. Mostly because introverts don't enjoy social networks and empaths crave a connection. The small talk and the "get to know you" phase is really a struggle. I feel awkward and sometimes fake, while trying to figure out if you want to continue to engage with the person you just met at a mixer and over analyzing each interaction.

Furthermore I have anxiety - so this becomes a triangle of doubt, fear, and lost connections.

Combining everything you get someone who needs a true connection to feel like the really mean something to the world that wants to fix all your problems.

So when does that start to feel fake or like you stopped caring? 

It starts to feel that way, when we get burnt out....and we don't even know it. When a friend comes to you with a problem you teeter-totter between "what can I do to help?" and secretly hoping they are just having some word vomit. Sometimes just listening can become draining too. The emotions tied to the brain dump creep in. Yet, at the same time, feeling said emotions, helps me to unpack it all and help them find clarity in their situation.

So how do you continue to help without the burnout and turning into a "fake" feeling?

1. Set Boundaries/Self-Care

We hear about this ALL THE TIME. I'll be bluntly honest, I suck at this. I have absolutely no boundaries and self-care was something people did with their girl-friends. Remember introvert here - so grabbing some gal-pals and heading to the spa is not my idea of a good time. But really self-care doesn't and isn't always about a spa day and mani-pedi's. (if this is you then that's awesome... that's YOUR self-care).  I'm speaking to those who that isn't their schtick.

Find one thing that's yours... and only yours. This may take a while to figure out and even longer for it to feel comfortable doing it. Empaths, helpers, and people with anxiety some times feel like they are being selfish if they take time for themselves.

Simple examples that I myself have started - 

 a. Take a shower/wash your face
 b. Sit in your car or in your bedroom alone
 c. Listening to music - absorbing the words/rhythm
d. Play a game - video game or a game with your family. Self-care doesn't HAVE to be done alone.
e. Write/journal or draw(even if you're not good at it)

All of the things above are small 5-10 minutes, or longer if necessary, for you to reset, regroup and be ready to take on what's next.

2. Say your truth
It's ok to let someone know you're off today or struggling too. The key here is to be sympathetic when someone comes to you for help and help them, but try to not make it about you. Sympathy ("yeah that really sucks dude") vs Empathy ("I feel that too" and here's what's going on in my life).

In this situation you can simply let the other person know that it's great they came to you, but at the moment, your headspace isn't quite where it needs to be to truly help them...yet you're here for them. And maybe your confidante will appreciate the effort and just say "thanks for listening".

3. Listen but don't offer unsolicited advice 

This kind of jumps back to #2. Maybe ask the friend if they truly want your advice or if they are just venting. Give them cues to work through the situation on their own, then praise the solution they've come up with.

4. Actually help

If you are indeed asked "what should I do?" - help them unpack the emotions and situation surrounding the emotions. Offer solutions or advice on maybe what you would do if you were put in the same situation. Then move on - they really have to do the work involved, not you. In this instance, follow up is important. Ask them what solution they came up with or if they still need some assistance.

5. Take time to regroup

I know I talked about self-care and boundaries but this is more than that. This is getting your headspace to where you need it to be to continue to help people and yourself. 

Go to a quiet space and just close your eyes and breathe.
Connect with nature - running water usually helps the most
Read
Binge watch (shut your mind of for a bit)
Meditate - say affirmations. I never thought I would ever put that down as a tactic, but it's helpful.
Talk to someone else - especially if that someone doesn't drain you. 

Everyone is fighting their own struggles, you included. You are not alone in this fight. Unpacking feelings are hard in the moment, and you don't have to do it right away. You can give it a couple days, a week, or even a month. Write things down or say them out loud to a supportive person as they come up. That supportive person can maybe give you another perspective on the matter (and you really don't have to take that perspective if you don't want to). Try to not let the issues build up. Feel the feelings and move on - acknowledgement and validation goes a long way to understanding and growth.

Extra reading:
https://introvertdear.com/news/empath-introverted-explain/
https://iheartintelligence.com/empaths-highly-sensitive-people-introverts/