Honey....Mommy needs a minute

So no one tells you when you have kids or more than one kid or when you decide to have another kid when you are finally old enough and responsible enough....how isolating it can be. No one ever tells you how much you will crave another human in adult form. No one ever prepares you for the word vomit any time someone over the age of 20 talks to you about anything remotely significant, such as "Hi, how are you today" at the grocery check out line and then you explaining why you are buying milk(because your 3 year old wanted cereal and you ran out of milk at bedtime the night before). No one prepares you for the absolute need for a connection to someone else in your shoes, such as your massage therapist rubbing your sore muscles while swapping horror stories on your 3 & 4 year-old attitudes that morning. Even spending an extra 1/2 hour with you daycare provider when you pick up your child, talking about things that have absolutely no relation to how your child's day was.

But the thing is, I never really noticed this all before until recently when I began leaving the 3 year old home while I ran someplace quick or when she's being exceptionally good while we are running errands. Granted it's only been 2-3 times over the past month or so...but I still find myself spewing anything and everything to any adult willing to lend an ear.

It's never about anything specific really. I can spout off how smart 3 year old is if someone comments on her speech quality. I can vomit a million things that she can do if someone comments on her intellect. I can relay the frustration of her stubbornness if someone mentions her her whining/crying/temper tantrums. Nor is my word regurgitation only about one child...I can just as easily spew frustrations of my workplace, my husband, my extended family, the pets, or the 13 year-olds' moodiness to anyone that remotely seems like they would give a damn.

This doesn't stem because I'm a social person and need to be around people, I'm far from it really. I just think that somewhere along the line I lost touch with past friends. I lost touch either because I moved, started college full time, got a job, I got married, or I had another child. Let me explain that last comment a bit more.... when I had my eldest I was 17 years old. I took major advantage of my mother in the fact that I still lived at home and she would 'babysit' whenever I needed, rather wanted her to. This allowed me to work nights, go to school, as well as have a 'social life' of hanging out with friends, going to bars, volunteering at haunted houses, exploring dating life...basically doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Once I moved out on my own, I took a bit more responsibility, but still lived close enough to 'go out' whenever. Fast forward a a few more years - met wonderful guy...dated...got serious...moved in together(to CR)....got married....enjoyed marriage....adopted eldest...had another baby...so on and so forth. Life changes...I get it.

Then you look at the duality in my life - I work part time and I'm home the other part. Therefore I don't get the interaction of 'work friends' nor do I get the participation in play dates or 'other' mommy time. Then add on the fact that many of my friends don't have kids or have older kids that can take care of themselves - so there is no real possibility to connect or spend time with someone that is 'like me'.  Therefore all these factors give me such isolation that I might as well live in the mountains living off of goat milk and bear meat (so tempting I know!).

With that I struggle to simply live as a hermit, spending time with my kids, hiding behind email/computer screen, living in my small group of 4 or pushing out there to find people to connect to and spend time with - all without going insane.... obviously not succeeding very well.