I really have no title for this
The thing about life changes is that you tend to forget about other things that matter too....
I'm having a hard time getting back in to this blogging thing. Mainly the lack of the ability to form complete thoughts...things start - I think about a lot of things, then they flutter away like the leave outside my window on a cold, windy night.
Quotes run through my head - no, not famous ones....ones I make up as retorts to people around me. Comebacks for the idiot majority that has no idea that their life has or will have any meaning. Tongue lashings that will never be voiced because of who the world has conditioned me to be. I never used to be that way - I used to really tell who ever, what ever I wanted and be able to walk away without any guilt or distaste. Does this mean I grew up - not so sure....part of me screams that I lost myself and it's clawing it's way back tooth and nail to the surface.
Oh sure I can put on a 'face' to the general public...then come home and spit the venom in the driveway just to put on another face for the husband or little one to teach her the conformity of being a woman, a passive aggressive doormat, a functional human being. but at one time I had a legacy of being that 'hot but scary goth bitch'....which still catches up with me sometimes...But at the same time I had compassion and a motivated spirit that drew people to me.
My eldest went through the transformation 4 years ago - it has baffled me for those 4 years on what happened to my 'sweet little girl'....where did I go wrong....why, all of the sudden, did she become distant, angry, and hostile. Then I turn around and look at myself - more so 10-12 years ago - and see the same person staring back at me. Scary? Yes....End of the world? Nah....but I am wondering how it took me those 4 years to figure it out myself. That tough skin is what is needed. As much as I would love to just shelter my children and keep them secure in this tiny house.... I can't and I won't. I will allow them to experience life...it's ups, it's downs, it's shitty way of taking you under it's wing then spitting you out with such force that all you can do is hope you land without breaking too many bones to get up and try again. But this time I'll be prepared....
but Who am I? I find passion in very few things - music being one of them. Music has to speak to me...make me feel something. I spent about 4 months, 2 and a half years ago, in oversensitive mode - taking everything personally, nothing I did was right, I was a piece of shit that didn't know anything and was at the mercy of others. I changed then.... in to someone I hated....someone who the world saw as a weakness. I needed a change....BUT something else happened then... I went almost 2 years without feeling a thing - shutdown mode - so to speak..... I didn't care, I didn't feel, I was a drone, I cared only that I was able to keep the youngest alive...that was it....in which I again became someone I KNEW I wasn't and hated EVEN more. Another change was warranted....or rather a re-route with better perception of the world and how I viewed things.....back to who I was.
I'm I perfect....nope...I never strive for that. Am I the 'mom of the year'....far from it, but I make mistakes so that my children see that imperfection makes someone raw and real. Am I the perfect wife... Not in the slightest, but knowing someone will always have your back creates a peace within in the insanity of life.
And that is where I am now.... finding myself through myself...through my children.....through my anger....through my passion.....through my vulnerability. Finding music that talks to me....lets me feel something...anything...and allows me to express what I need to say without really having to say it. Where that will lead...who knows.... more writing....less passive aggressiveness....to be more straightforward again....to gain the respect and value that I know I am capable of(no matter how I am perceived)....
.......I can only hope - but I know this: I REFUSE to continue just living by giving up.
I'm having a hard time getting back in to this blogging thing. Mainly the lack of the ability to form complete thoughts...things start - I think about a lot of things, then they flutter away like the leave outside my window on a cold, windy night.
Quotes run through my head - no, not famous ones....ones I make up as retorts to people around me. Comebacks for the idiot majority that has no idea that their life has or will have any meaning. Tongue lashings that will never be voiced because of who the world has conditioned me to be. I never used to be that way - I used to really tell who ever, what ever I wanted and be able to walk away without any guilt or distaste. Does this mean I grew up - not so sure....part of me screams that I lost myself and it's clawing it's way back tooth and nail to the surface.
Oh sure I can put on a 'face' to the general public...then come home and spit the venom in the driveway just to put on another face for the husband or little one to teach her the conformity of being a woman, a passive aggressive doormat, a functional human being. but at one time I had a legacy of being that 'hot but scary goth bitch'....which still catches up with me sometimes...But at the same time I had compassion and a motivated spirit that drew people to me.
My eldest went through the transformation 4 years ago - it has baffled me for those 4 years on what happened to my 'sweet little girl'....where did I go wrong....why, all of the sudden, did she become distant, angry, and hostile. Then I turn around and look at myself - more so 10-12 years ago - and see the same person staring back at me. Scary? Yes....End of the world? Nah....but I am wondering how it took me those 4 years to figure it out myself. That tough skin is what is needed. As much as I would love to just shelter my children and keep them secure in this tiny house.... I can't and I won't. I will allow them to experience life...it's ups, it's downs, it's shitty way of taking you under it's wing then spitting you out with such force that all you can do is hope you land without breaking too many bones to get up and try again. But this time I'll be prepared....
but Who am I? I find passion in very few things - music being one of them. Music has to speak to me...make me feel something. I spent about 4 months, 2 and a half years ago, in oversensitive mode - taking everything personally, nothing I did was right, I was a piece of shit that didn't know anything and was at the mercy of others. I changed then.... in to someone I hated....someone who the world saw as a weakness. I needed a change....BUT something else happened then... I went almost 2 years without feeling a thing - shutdown mode - so to speak..... I didn't care, I didn't feel, I was a drone, I cared only that I was able to keep the youngest alive...that was it....in which I again became someone I KNEW I wasn't and hated EVEN more. Another change was warranted....or rather a re-route with better perception of the world and how I viewed things.....back to who I was.
I'm I perfect....nope...I never strive for that. Am I the 'mom of the year'....far from it, but I make mistakes so that my children see that imperfection makes someone raw and real. Am I the perfect wife... Not in the slightest, but knowing someone will always have your back creates a peace within in the insanity of life.
And that is where I am now.... finding myself through myself...through my children.....through my anger....through my passion.....through my vulnerability. Finding music that talks to me....lets me feel something...anything...and allows me to express what I need to say without really having to say it. Where that will lead...who knows.... more writing....less passive aggressiveness....to be more straightforward again....to gain the respect and value that I know I am capable of(no matter how I am perceived)....
.......I can only hope - but I know this: I REFUSE to continue just living by giving up.
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