Mental Musings

This writing was turned spoken at women's conference web talk in October.  You know when you were little and you got asked “what do you want to be when you grow up” and you had to draw a picture of a doctor, firefighter, teacher, astronaut, an artist, a mom…everyone started scribbling and coloring right away. Me, well, I would stare at that blank paper the whole time and finally at the last minute, as the teacher was calling to pass them forward, I would quickly draw a stick figure that would resemble some sort of occupation of what a grown up was supposed to be doing. Or maybe all of them smashed together because you had no idea what you wanted to be. I floated through the years... existing. Being one of those kids who everyone knew about but never felt like I fit in just right with any one crowd. I was a kid who liked all the things, I was the one who hung out with the outcasts but would still be invited to glitter nail salon sleepovers. In high school the life I thought I was to...

I will preface this with a "disclaimer" if you will - this post and much of my blogs are writing about my situation, my individual thoughts on what I may be experiencing at the moment or when I feel like writing. I will then develop it into some sort of coherent thought pattern that becomes the blog. I am not an authority figure or trained professional on anything I write about. I write about it with the understanding that I can't possibly be alone in this experience or this particular emotion. I write to help people and to give and probably gain some perspective. So here we go -  I'm a doer, a helper, a figure-it-outer. I'm someone who will ask once and if it doesn't get done, I'll just do it myself. I'm someone who others have came to for advice, a listener, someone that can help them unpack issues. I am also highly-sensitive, an introvert, and an empath. I'm only now really becoming to know what all of that means and how it can work for me....

It's taken me over 6 months to look at myself in the mirror. I mean, of course I've looked in the mirror...see the messy hair, patchy skin, dark circles, tiredness, unbrushed teeth, acne, gray hairs, vacant stare. I barely recognized the woman I saw there. Yet there was a glimmer there, that fight, that hope started back at me with such force I would be doing myself a disservice if I did not stare back and wave. Many people go through changes, updates, mid-life crises. That is the one major thing about life, it changes you. How you adapt and change with it, is what makes you - you. Life kicked me square in the gut recently and I have to slow down and take a long hard look at what I need to do to overhaul my life. What does one do when they need to make changes.... they get on google, the read all the links, they buy all the products, they subscribe to all the news letters. They do the thing, then they get bored, complacent and feel stuck again. Because, let's face it, s...

I did it...I finally did it! I actually caught the moment every mom dreams of: I caught my child doing a chore, without being told repeatedly. It was a seemingly small thing, but it was a big resounding scream of respect. I had finished dishes for the evening and child #1 (7 years old) wanted a snack, which then child #2 (3 years old) wants a snack. So child #1 gets a snack, pudding and crackers - it's a thing - which needs a spoon, and they both sat and politely shared the snack. So I steel myself for washing a dish AFTER all the dishes had been for the day. But lo and behold after said snack, I heard the faucet and a then the sound of a dish going in the drainer. I turned around and the following conversation commenced: me: "did you wash your spoon" child: "yes...." me: "wow Thank you so much" child: perplexed at the appreciation "it was only one dish and you did the dishes already" Helping with Dishes Cue the sounds of angels singing and...

What's this? What's this? There's color everywhere What's this? There's white things in the air What's this? I can't believe my eyes I must be dreaming Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair What's this? What's this? What's this? There's something very wrong What's this? There are people singing songs What's this? The streets are lined with Little creatures laughing Everybody seems so happy Have I possibly gone daffy? What is this? What's this? There are children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads They're busy building toys And absolutely no one's dead There's frost on every window I can't believe my eyes And in my bones I feel a warmth That's coming from inside Oh, look What's this? They're hanging mistletoe, they kiss? Why that looks so unique, inspired They're gathering around to hear a story Roasting chestnuts on a fire What's this? What's this? ...

I'm a homebody, I'm a hermit, I'm anit-social...call it what you will....I'm an introvert. in·tro·vert ˈintrəˌvərt/ noun noun: introvert ; plural noun: introverts 1 . a shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person. Psychology a person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things. Many sites will also tell you that introverts expend so much energy while dealing with the day-to-day life that they need consistent time to recharge - ie "ME Time". The physical act of being around people is utterly exhausting to me. Don't get me wrong I LOVE to have adult time - talking with my daycare provider, visiting friends(or them visiting me), uninterrupted conversation with my husband, a good family/friends gathering, a nice night out.... but I can't do small talk... it just feels.. awkward and wrong, and truth be told I'm terrible about it. Ask me about the weather a...

This saying comes out of the 4 year old's mouth almost constantly.  Most of the time it's in response to me apologizing for not doing something with her or not being able to cater to her needs at the current moment "it's ok mommy", or if she's trying to be independent and I step in to 'help'... "it's ok mommy, I can do it", as well as when I try to be a little over controlling and just do things for her to get it done or when I want her to do something and she's not doing it... "it's ok mommy, I'm still playing with it, it's ok".  And you know what - "IT" is OK.  and in my increasing diminishing energy due to my last month of pregnancy and I'm sure the long recovery and energy usage of having 3 children.... I'm learning that it truly is ok and to simply let go of somethings....and really trying to let go of the 'end of the world', out of control, chaos will ensue feeling that happens ...

It's was misty/foggy/dreary day yesterday..... there's something about fog and mist that allows one to become more aware and to see things almost for the first time. Cars, buildings, lights, and people slowly come in to focus - appearing out of nowhere - much like they didn't exist until the fog parts and headlights shine, letting you know that they are there and to pay attention. The fog tends to blind us, yet it reminds us to keep our eyes open and to watch for important information - such as a car stopping, a person walking, stop lights changing - but it really reminds us to shake our own head to clear the fog and mist and truly see where our life is going. Are you happy? Are you doing something every day to achieve your goals or dreams? Are you spending every moment doing something that you love? and if not....why? What do you need to change to overcome the obstacle preventing you from being happy or achieving your dreams.....or better yet what is stopping you from ...

The thing about life changes is that you tend to forget about other things that matter too.... I'm having a hard time getting back in to this blogging thing. Mainly the lack of the ability to form complete thoughts...things start - I think about a lot of things, then they flutter away like the leave outside my window on a cold, windy night. Quotes run through my head - no, not famous ones....ones I make up as retorts to people around me. Comebacks for the idiot majority that has no idea that their life has or will have any meaning. Tongue lashings that will never be voiced because of who the world has conditioned me to be.  I never used to be that way - I used to really tell who ever, what ever I wanted and be able to walk away without any guilt or distaste.  Does this mean I grew up - not so sure....part of me screams that I lost myself and it's clawing it's way back tooth and nail to the surface. Oh sure I can put on a 'face' to the general public...then com...

So no one tells you when you have kids or more than one kid or when you decide to have another kid when you are finally old enough and responsible enough....how isolating it can be. No one ever tells you how much you will crave another human in adult form. No one ever prepares you for the word vomit any time someone over the age of 20 talks to you about anything remotely significant, such as "Hi, how are you today" at the grocery check out line and then you explaining why you are buying milk(because your 3 year old wanted cereal and you ran out of milk at bedtime the night before). No one prepares you for the absolute need for a connection to someone else in your shoes, such as your massage therapist rubbing your sore muscles while swapping horror stories on your 3 & 4 year-old attitudes that morning. Even spending an extra 1/2 hour with you daycare provider when you pick up your child, talking about things that have absolutely no relation to how your child's day was....

When I started this blog I thought "What an awesome a way to get back in to writing without having to stick to a set style and without seeming too whiny". I never really thought it would take off or become a viral blog right away. Nor did I expect live blog sites to be spamming my email begging me to write for them and paying me for it - although that is still a distant dream. What I did expect is that I would be funny, insightful, and it would be laden with advice and stories of what my kids do and what I experience - much like this group of ladies . Yet without being too overbearing with "TMI" instances or too intimate in to the inner workings of my family that we loose privacy. I did expect that I would write at least weekly, but alas 8 blog posts and 4 months later - I'm struggling with content and frequency. Since I seem to like making lists in my blogs, last night I began thinking of thing I could write about: 1. Potty training - struggles and succes...

Last month I gained another year - I can no longer say that I'm 30...I've gone into the realm of 30-something, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Though it has gotten me thinking about a lot of stuff - which sometimes is a bad thing. First let me step up on a soapbox:  Why is 30 THE age? The age when you should have done something with your life, should have found that special someone/gotten married/started a family. Why is 30 the turning point in some one's life - when they go "Oh SHIT I'm 30 and I have done NOTHING with my life!" and then break down in tears, go on a shopping binge or throw a pity party. Why is it when someone, especially women, reach the age of 30 they are too 'old' to start over, yet still too 'young' to be stagnate or unhappy with their life. They are viewed as being unaccomplished, uneducated, or incapable if they are not successful, not in a high position at work, haven't gotten married/had kids, haven...

Society over the years has taught us to be shameful of our bodies - no matter how 'skinny,' 'toned,' or 'fit'. To cover it up, to hide it because "No One wants to see 'that'"! We have been conditioned to loose the weight and keep it off, because if you do - your partner will love you more, you will get a better job, your kids will treat you better, your friends will want to hang out more, and a plethora of other lame excuses to make you feel bad enough about yourself to starve, work and run your body down until you are 'happy'.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing exercise; losing weight to be healthier, have more energy, sleep better, and be able to take care of your family more - YES - but that doesn't mean you have to be a size 0 or 2 or even a size 8. It's about what is healthy for you and your body and what makes you feel good. My 2 year old has taught me something over the last few months - it feels great to b...

It's staring at you from across the room, little eyes shining in the moonlight, lying in wait for you to make just one wrong move. You are sitting there exhausted by the previous fight, alone in the dark, and you're waiting for it to once again let out the banshee scream that reverberates through the whole house. You know you won't win this way....but you'll be damned if you let overpower you and come out the victor ! Mexican standoff (defined as: most precisely a confrontation between opponents, facing each other, with no clear winner. Each participant holds power over one opponent, and is at the mercy of the other opponent. Following any path of who holds power over whom invariably leads back to the original person after visiting all other participants. More opponents can be added as long as they fit into the above rule and thus do not change the balance of power.) What I am talking about is bed time, as this does pertain to many other arguments as ...

Having a children with two entirely different tastes in food, make supper time and really any meal/snack/food discussion difficult. 12 year old refuses to eat any veggies or fruit, and only some meats that don't have any spice/sauce/flavor. 2 year old loves fruit, veggies, but refuses any meat. Then add husband who thinks veggies are devil spawn and a mom(me) who just wants everyone to be healthy and have a balanced diet.... so food is one of the most stressful and difficult decisions in my house. Multiply that by said husband being in school all but 2 days a week, 12 year old at friends house or park directly after school until dark, and 2 year old that is never hungry at the 'right' time....all that usually results in no one eating at the same time or the same thing. When I was a young single parent, I lived with my mother so we had meals prepare and at the table mostly every night. When I moved out on my own, in my early 20's, I cooked and eldest and I still ate at...

Being a mother of 2 children 10 years apart, I have a 12 year old and a 2 year old, does have perks and then again it has disadvantages. So before I get in to the meat of this blog I'll list some of each...*note list is not all encompassing of both sides* PERKS: 1. While getting ignored by one, you get cuddles and hugs from the other. 2. Teaching one about responsibility and consequences, you can provide a proper example for the other. 3. While teaching one about responsibility, you still have fun being a 'kid' with the other 4. Watching the oldest still have some symbolical instances of innocence while playing with the youngest. 5. Being able to watch more than just kids shows all the time when one child is still awake. CONS: 1: Knowing the youngest is watching the eldest's attitudes toward me and mimicking them 2. The lack of help from either child - 1 being too young and 1 not caring enough to help out 3. Instilling the proper discipline across age group ...

It’s all fun and games until someone poops in the bathtub… I’ll tell you a little something about myself, I find farting funny. The word (I really can’t even say it without giggling or cracking a smile), the sound, the smell (ok maybe not so much), the myth that women don’t do it (seriously we don’t), the way my dad tries to get my kids to ‘pull his finger’, the various types, the way my husband tries to blame it on the dog or the floor or a chair, the reactions of other people, ‘fluffing’, and I even loose my thought process if one is let loose while I’m talking (I have to take a second to compose myself before I can continue).  So of course hilarity ensues at my house with the 2 year old let’s ‘em fly. We use various words or phrases to describe farting that include the word fart (teehee) , toot(ing), let ‘er rip, gas, better out than in and stinky. Today she was especially gassy which usually leads to other items that come out of that end of the body, lets just say I lost c...